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still hung up on a lost cause

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The wool I've gathered all these days [02 Jan 2010|02:32pm]
So I have listened to Toad the Wet Sprocket's "Coil" a fair bit this past year. And the year before, for that matter. I identify pretty deeply with "Dam Would Break." And I hear "Throw it All Away" and I wish I could embrace it.

I have to now. It's the only way I can flourish.

"With the time I waste on the life I never had, I could have turned myself into a better man"

2009 was rough. I won't go into details here, but some of you know some of them.

A lot of what made it such a difficult year was my inability or unwillingness to let go of things, to declutter my life both physically and mentally/emotionally. I spend most of my life in my head, in a world of what-ifs and might-have-beens. I script conversations that haven't happened yet. I replay the ones that did, trying to extract every scrap of meaning, every piece of information that I can.

On one level, I'm pretty happy with myself. On another, I've essentially become an emotional cripple because I have so much trouble living in the present. I let fear and self-doubt keep me from recognizing and appreciating my accomplishments. I look to others for validation, and even knowing what a setup for disappointment that is, I can't seem to stop.

"'cause there ain't nothing you can buy, there ain't nothing you can save to fill the hole inside your heart -- so throw it all away"

I am entirely too good at holding patterns.

It's time I learned to live in the moment. To let things go. I can't hold on to everything. Doing that, with both the tangible and the intangible, was comfortable for a while ... but now my head is full and my heart is full and my house is full and my life is full.

I basically need to become a Buddhist, but I'd be a pretty awful one, so I'm just going to shoot for cleaning house and focusing on the immediate as much as possible. I know that's what I need to do to free myself from myself. Now, if anyone knows how to do it ...

"Take the dreams that should have died, the ones that kept you lying awake when you should have been all right, and throw them all away."
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[10 Dec 2009|05:48pm]
Dear Right Foot,

It has been nearly three years since we messed you up on that bit of broken asphalt. While we realize we should have gotten you proper medical attention at the time, it's a bit late for that now. Please stop reminding us of this on such a regular basis. We really don't want to have to dress you in orthopedic shoes. We can't afford them, and they're ugly.

We love you. You help us walk and ride our bike, and we're sorry for the neglectful treatment back in early 2007, but can we put that behind us and move on?

-The leg bone, thigh bone ... all the way to the head bone, and the brain encased therein.
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[09 Dec 2009|04:38pm]

Dear restaurants in Florida: it is not hot out. Therefore, you needn't crank the a/c up to crazy levels to compensate. Actually, I'd prefer you didn't do that in summer, either, but it's particularly inexcusable now.

No love,


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[22 Oct 2009|06:02am]

So tonight I learned that my body apparently has a built-in defense mechanism for road fatigue. If I am falling asleep at the wheel, I will get off the interstate at the first available exit. This confuses me and wakes me up. Mind, I hope never to activate this function again, but I'm pleased that I seem to have it.

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free Mojo! [08 Oct 2009|01:01pm]
Well, happy birthday to me. Mojo Nixon's catalog at Amazon is all free.


You know you need it.
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Also, this needs a home. [19 Sep 2009|02:41am]
She's a year or two old. FIV/FeLV negative, current on vaccines, fixed. Usually sweet but won't take shit from anyone, talkative, still kitten-playful. And the pictures don't do her justice. She's a beautiful cat, but really hard to get a decent shot of.

If you can't take, please repost?
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yay! [19 Sep 2009|01:55am]
I got Becca's new CD today. The packaging is gorgeous. The album version of the title track is going to take some getting used to ... it's so much more cheerful than the EP version.
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